그땐 그땐 그땐

2:34am. One more day till the end of my IB journey.

Found this little gem on Jerry's iPod. It has always been one of my most favourite songs. But something about finding this song on someone else's iPod in the middle night brought back some vivid memories.

This takes me back to Year 10. Term two. Cold mornings in Batu Ferringhi. 7:45am. Getting off the bus in school. I'd be listening to this song on my iPod. It would be on repeat. Certain things going on in my mind.

Wow. That was a long time ago.

Good night x

我自尊心很强。

我并不想要骄傲，我只是向来都很内向。

往往认识新的人时，我都会比较冷淡，因为我就是不容易对人比较热情。

要开始认识我也相当难，因为我会保持一定的距离。

因为如此，我向来朋友不多。现在有的也只是那几个比较亲的朋友。 数来数去也只有五个左右。

对于我的朋友我都会比较热情，非常疯狂。当我觉得我们蛮亲时，我也会先跟你讲话，也会比较缠你。对于我不大熟悉的人，我会保持风度。我自尊心很强。

有些人根本就不懂珍惜我的亲切，把它当成是费的。

算了吧。也许你根本就不值得。再也不会主动先跟你讲话了。

D, but not the fun kind.

I like to evade reality. If I don't like facing something, be it a text message or a message of any sort, I just won't open it till my curiousity overpowers my fear, and I eventually read it.

This is one of those instances.

Well to be fair, most things that involve this person make me a bit scared.

Let's give this person a name, shall we? Perhaps an initial. D. Let's call this person D.
For a variety of reasons. Your perverted minds have probably concluded that D is for Dick. Whatever floats your boat. Heh.

Darling, Dear, Domination, Determination, Dedication.
Dickhead, Dipshit, Delusional, Destructive, Damaged.

Yeah, D is a suitable enough initial.

I have so much to write and say, but I really don't know where or how to start. hahahahaha

In a nutshell, I've put in A LOT. But D doesn't seem to realise it, or the way D seems so nonchalant about everything I've done. D is selfish. Doesn't think or realise how I may feel about things.

Do you even care?

It's always a rollercoaster when it comes to you.

I'm tired. Why do you have to do this to me, seriously.

I wonder how it feels like to be my parents.

The eldest daughter - smart but lazy, basically a failure. She doesn't want to disappoint them and so she pushes them away, and shuts herself away from them. But when all hell breaks lose, they don't know she's the one that regrets all her actions and even wishes she weren't born.

I regret everything I've ever done.

Define "to live life with no regrets".

I regret everything.

I don't tell my parents anything. Why? Because when I do, they'd use it to mock me.

"Don't let history repeat itself, your IGCSE's were horrible"

"Freedom? We gave you too much freedom!"


I'm trying to change myself. But it doesn't help if you're treating me like a 5 year old. I know the IB is no joke, and I'm trying. I'm so angry at myself. I need to bite something and claw something. The frustration.


Failure of life

What's the point of anything when no one believes in you anymore.

Of getting good grades and being a good student.

I cannot seem to think of a proper, cohesive way to voice out my anger and frustration right now.

Just when I think things are starting to get better in school, they just have to bring me down again.



BOOM POW SPLAT AMELIA YOU'RE A FUCKING HORRIBLE STUDENT AND WE ALL HATE YOU AND YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR LSE AND YOU SHOULD JUST GO APPLY FOR A UNIVERSITY OF YOUR STANDARD.

Just when you think things at school are getting better, things get shit again.

#frustrated
#hopeless

Coffee

Sitting in Coffee Bean with Ciara, Vicky and Vishnu.

Frustrated.

Everyone can write so well.

I'm just a lost buoy floating in the middle of the ocean.

I should learn from King Sejong, and start writing out my own language.