That's what they said, but in other words.
"We're all very worried about you."
Hey ho, I'm worried about myself too.
"What's going on?"
I don't know, I'm just counting my days.
"Stop being so miserable."
Well if misery had a cure, feed me. I don't like pretending.
"Life is difficult, buck up and face it."
I'm trying.
"Your expectations of yourself are too high."
You're too high.
"This could cost you your diploma."
I'd rather fail than move down.
"They don't accept many people."
They still do accept people, don't they?
I swear, by the end of my diploma, I'd be as fat as the moon.
I eat when I'm sad.
That's a lie.
I eat anyway.
I just eat more when I'm sad and stressed.
I'm sad.
And stressed.
Help.
You said you would.
You all said you would.
Liars.
Tuesday 23 April 2013
Sing me to sleep
I'm angry.
Angry at myself. Angry at my family. Angry at the world.
First off, I've told you to stand by me no matter what happens. Oh yes, when you're away you say yes, you are nice and all. You say you'll help me get through whatever phase I'm going through. But once you come home, all hell breaks loose. You scrutinise me for every little mistake you notice I make. You keep it all inside, until a day before you leave again, you lash out at me for every little thing I do that wasn't up to your expectations or wasn't what you thought of me. How do you think I feel? I feel bad enough already that my mum has to go outstation to work 4 out of the 7 days a week. Yes sometimes I do miss you, but at times like this, I don't. Don't get me wrong, I do love you, but I hate this way of yours.
I love my family, yes that is undeniable. But sometimes I want them to just pipe down. I shudder at the thought of me leaving home in about a year, to a place where I'm far away from home. Well no, I don't shudder. I'm excited. I'm excited to leave home, to finally not have to face the endless nags and mood swings from the ladies. To not have to face the wrath that is my father. The only thing I don't want to leave is my grandpa. He's the one I hold the most dear to me, and I cannot imagine my life without him.
What just happened? Well, it's 1am now. Just past midnight. It is now Tuesday, the 23rd of April.
My mum just came in and started throwing a calm fit at me. The kind where every word she spits out is lethal venom, yet her physical stance remains calm, with occasional raised syllables and emotion. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. All my life I've never wanted to disappoint you. Sure, I've made some bad choices in life, but I never wanted you to go out of your way to make me happy. Instead, I choose to go out of my way to make you happy. Why? Because you're my mother and I love you. I don't see you often, which adds to why I strive to make you happy. I cannot manage Adelynn's behaviour, I apologise. I sincerely apologise. But perhaps bringing that human being that is my biological younger sister for a ADHD checkup would be much more appropriate than lashing out at me, saying that I'm a lousy sister. I admit, I don't have the best patience when it comes to her. Why? Because I know she is much smarter than what she portrays herself to be, yet she acts in this childish manner to gain my attention. I strongly dislike this. I hate people who act obnoxiously just to gain attention. And to my horror, this is exactly what Adelynn is when I'm around. Around you mum, she just acts all cutesy and feigns innocence. I cannot stand it. Absolutely ridiculous.
Dad. Where do I even begin. You treat your niece more like a daughter than you treat your own biological daughter. Oh I'm sorry, am I being an ungrateful brat for saying something like this? Well, no. You talk to your niece more than you talk to me. Do you even talk to me? You tune me out EVERY SINGLE TIME I try to talk to you. Come on, even Adelynn notices this. What am I to you? Yes, you pay a lot of money for my education. But besides that, you blame every negative thing you can on me, as though I'm the black sheep of the family. Seeing you be playful and tolerant towards Adelynn's antics makes my blood boil in anger. Daddy issues? Is this a case of so called "Daddy Issues"? Perhaps it is. But more than that, this is a daughter trying to seek the approval of her father. In fact, that is EVERY daughter on this planet. Dads probably don't know this, but your words hurt much more. Whatever dad says to me, I get affected very easily. Granted I am an emotional person, and I do cry very easily. But a slightly neutral or a wee negative little comment from my dad will render me in tears. If my mum said the same thing, I probably would have retorted in anger. My dad will never realise this.
Science. Is science the way forward in life? Why do I have to pursue a future in Science when I know I wouldn't be happy? I have no interest, neither do I have the aptitude of doing Maths at a higher level. Oh excuse me, aren't you Asian? Oh yes I am Asian, but being Asian doesn't mean you have to be kick ass awesome at Mathematics right? I could excel in other things can't I? But oh wait, there is nothing else I excel in. I guess I should just retreat into my hole.
I don't know what I'm doing. At this point in my life, I cannot help but want to leave this home. I yearn for independence. But at the same time, I want to keep my family close enough to visit regularly but yet far enough to be a hassle to visit. This has been an angry rant written out in 5 minutes. I apologise for any spelling or gramatical mistakes as I am not reading through it. I am angry. It is nighttime. I cannot go to bed being angry.
Time for some good music and my Instagram feed.
Speaking about music, I would like to mention that I absolutely detest it when people make fun of Kpop. Sure, it is possibly an overrated genre, but it is also an oversimplified term. Please have some respect for people who like Kpop. I don't like Kpop. I like Korean music. Kpop is an overgeneralisation for Korean music that ignorant haters use to make themselves feel higher on some abstract musical hierarchy. Dipshits.
I try not to swear in my posts.
Good night.
Angry at myself. Angry at my family. Angry at the world.
First off, I've told you to stand by me no matter what happens. Oh yes, when you're away you say yes, you are nice and all. You say you'll help me get through whatever phase I'm going through. But once you come home, all hell breaks loose. You scrutinise me for every little mistake you notice I make. You keep it all inside, until a day before you leave again, you lash out at me for every little thing I do that wasn't up to your expectations or wasn't what you thought of me. How do you think I feel? I feel bad enough already that my mum has to go outstation to work 4 out of the 7 days a week. Yes sometimes I do miss you, but at times like this, I don't. Don't get me wrong, I do love you, but I hate this way of yours.
I love my family, yes that is undeniable. But sometimes I want them to just pipe down. I shudder at the thought of me leaving home in about a year, to a place where I'm far away from home. Well no, I don't shudder. I'm excited. I'm excited to leave home, to finally not have to face the endless nags and mood swings from the ladies. To not have to face the wrath that is my father. The only thing I don't want to leave is my grandpa. He's the one I hold the most dear to me, and I cannot imagine my life without him.
What just happened? Well, it's 1am now. Just past midnight. It is now Tuesday, the 23rd of April.
My mum just came in and started throwing a calm fit at me. The kind where every word she spits out is lethal venom, yet her physical stance remains calm, with occasional raised syllables and emotion. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. All my life I've never wanted to disappoint you. Sure, I've made some bad choices in life, but I never wanted you to go out of your way to make me happy. Instead, I choose to go out of my way to make you happy. Why? Because you're my mother and I love you. I don't see you often, which adds to why I strive to make you happy. I cannot manage Adelynn's behaviour, I apologise. I sincerely apologise. But perhaps bringing that human being that is my biological younger sister for a ADHD checkup would be much more appropriate than lashing out at me, saying that I'm a lousy sister. I admit, I don't have the best patience when it comes to her. Why? Because I know she is much smarter than what she portrays herself to be, yet she acts in this childish manner to gain my attention. I strongly dislike this. I hate people who act obnoxiously just to gain attention. And to my horror, this is exactly what Adelynn is when I'm around. Around you mum, she just acts all cutesy and feigns innocence. I cannot stand it. Absolutely ridiculous.
Dad. Where do I even begin. You treat your niece more like a daughter than you treat your own biological daughter. Oh I'm sorry, am I being an ungrateful brat for saying something like this? Well, no. You talk to your niece more than you talk to me. Do you even talk to me? You tune me out EVERY SINGLE TIME I try to talk to you. Come on, even Adelynn notices this. What am I to you? Yes, you pay a lot of money for my education. But besides that, you blame every negative thing you can on me, as though I'm the black sheep of the family. Seeing you be playful and tolerant towards Adelynn's antics makes my blood boil in anger. Daddy issues? Is this a case of so called "Daddy Issues"? Perhaps it is. But more than that, this is a daughter trying to seek the approval of her father. In fact, that is EVERY daughter on this planet. Dads probably don't know this, but your words hurt much more. Whatever dad says to me, I get affected very easily. Granted I am an emotional person, and I do cry very easily. But a slightly neutral or a wee negative little comment from my dad will render me in tears. If my mum said the same thing, I probably would have retorted in anger. My dad will never realise this.
Science. Is science the way forward in life? Why do I have to pursue a future in Science when I know I wouldn't be happy? I have no interest, neither do I have the aptitude of doing Maths at a higher level. Oh excuse me, aren't you Asian? Oh yes I am Asian, but being Asian doesn't mean you have to be kick ass awesome at Mathematics right? I could excel in other things can't I? But oh wait, there is nothing else I excel in. I guess I should just retreat into my hole.
I don't know what I'm doing. At this point in my life, I cannot help but want to leave this home. I yearn for independence. But at the same time, I want to keep my family close enough to visit regularly but yet far enough to be a hassle to visit. This has been an angry rant written out in 5 minutes. I apologise for any spelling or gramatical mistakes as I am not reading through it. I am angry. It is nighttime. I cannot go to bed being angry.
Time for some good music and my Instagram feed.
Speaking about music, I would like to mention that I absolutely detest it when people make fun of Kpop. Sure, it is possibly an overrated genre, but it is also an oversimplified term. Please have some respect for people who like Kpop. I don't like Kpop. I like Korean music. Kpop is an overgeneralisation for Korean music that ignorant haters use to make themselves feel higher on some abstract musical hierarchy. Dipshits.
I try not to swear in my posts.
Good night.
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